Bereavement - Baby Jessica
My stories are my way of sharing with you my struggles, ups and downs, laughs and struggles through my life. It is like a book, unfinished as there is still a future to write.
It's 2022 and this is a reflection back on 30th September 2012 when a moment in my life triggered so many emotions and affected my own mental health resulting in me seeking help through therapy. I learnt who were my friends, who understood my feelings and who supported me. It impacted on my career and to be honest opened my eyes to what was important. It gave me experience, not a positive experience, but gave me strength and understanding of how grief can affect people differently.
10 years ago we lost our baby daughter Jessica at just 8 hours old.
10 years Jessica, it's a long time. But I think over time I have been able to start to accept and manage my feelings and emotions. As the memory of losing our daughter is not something that will ever be forgotten and I have had to accept that the situation which happened could never be fixed. You can’t change the past, but can build your future.
Bereavement affects people in different ways, but losing a child for me is definitely my most heartbreaking experience and today is a very poignant moment. The emotional effects that are triggered on the lead up to her anniversary each year still deeply affect my emotions and make me feel extremely sad. There is still a sense of real failure in my mind as a parent as I did not respond enough to the warning signs and push hard enough for the hospital to take us seriously. I have come to accept that there was nothing I was capable of doing other than supporting MJ and holding our daughter's hand as she passed away. A moment that will never be forgotten. I do think that situations like this one have impacted on how I deal with situations, but have given me experience and an ability to develop an understanding of my feelings and emotions. It has also enlightened me not just my feelings but the feelings of others around me. Those who are supportive when you are down and those who are oblivious of others body language and emotions and don't understand why you are not yourself. For me this experience has undoubtedly affected my mental health but also helped me become a stronger and more supportive person for those around me.
Today is a day of reflection, not regret. For me it's to remember a small moment of my life where I met our Angel Jessica whose life was short lived, but who I was able to see being born, hold her hand and let her die peacefully in my arms.
Always remembered, never forgotten. Love you darling Jessica. My Angel. Happy heavenly 10th Birthday. Daddy xx
This was my Facebook page this year and a reflection of how far I have come. Like I keep saying if you haven't experienced therapy then you can't deliver it. So I suppose this element of my life has given me the strength I need to support others.
My Story About Jessica
Baby Jessica is a sad tale to tell. However her short life played a big part in my life and had a detrimental impact on my career path, my mental health and our families future.
After moving out of our first flat and getting the keys to our first house we were living under the roof of my parents with our eldest daughter Rebecca who was only 6 months old at the time. We spent every free hour between work and putting our daughter to bed - working on our dilapidated house to make it liveable for our little family. It was the only way to get on the next rung of the property ladder by buying a house in such a state. Everything needed replacing except the windows. The whole place was stained with nicotine, the wiring was shot, the boiler was broken and the flat roof was caving in, but this would be our house for the next 8 years. At the time we looked at it as our forever home. It took about 4 months to get it liveable but in the end was worth it. We were on the next rung of the property ladder.
I think my parents were pleased to see the back of us. We had spent 4 months tripping over each other's feet and avoiding confrontation. It was quite awkward living under the same roof, especially having a 6 month old and asking them to look after her while we spent every hour working on the house.
When we moved in MJ would regularly feel unwell. I thought it was my cooking, I would regularly prepare meals and tended to be the one who came up with ideas for meals. After weeks of sickness I had Googled solutions. One crazy suggestion came to light that MJ may well be pregnant, but this was impossible as she was on the pill. I Googled the what ifs and the how's. In the end we bought a pregnancy test and would you believe it she was pregnant. How could this be sprang to light but it was the case and we seeked the support from our GP.
We could not put a date on it and it was thought that MJ was probably 10 weeks gone.
However she went for her 12 week scan 2 weeks later and we discovered that MJ was 24 weeks pregnant and that the baby would be due in just a few months time.
“No turning back”.
It also highlighted that she was conceived under my parents roof! Oops, that was not a comfortable thing to say in front of my parents. Of course we didn't spend 4 months under their roof avoiding each other. There were moments of hanky panky but to be honest I can't understand how this happened. She was on the pill!
However on September 30th 2012 Jessica Harrison was born. We had prepared her bedroom and bought everything from a double pushchair to a new cot in preparation for our unexpected arrival. MJ was admitted to hospital in the usual way with contractions at full term.
At the hospital MJ was experiencing a long delivery. We had had complications with Rebecca the year before. A C-section was required after Rebecca had a little poop inside and got stuck with her head in the wrong position.
When it came to Jessica's turn, the same warning bells were ringing and MJ was being closely monitored. However the warning signs were being ignored and we then pushed for a C-section after there was no improvement as to how dilated MJ was becoming. The baby was becoming distressed and so I was sent to get kitted out for theatre. However this never happened. We were pushed aside again and again. The theatre was in use and they refused to open the 2nd as MJ was not seen as serious. After 42 hours the baby was delivered by forceps causing tarring and distress. I remember vividly seeing Jessica coming out with the cord wrapped around her neck. It had been around her neck for hours cutting the blood supply to her brain. Under so much stress she, like Rebecca, had pooped inside MJ and ingested meconium. She was not breathing and my heart sank seeing her lifeless body. A crowd of Doctors and Nurses were now taking us seriously and eventually after a few minutes got her breathing and was immediately put on life support machine.
I was taken outside the room while MJ was being stitched up, unaware of how badly the situation was unfolding. At which point I was told that our daughter was critically ill. It was serious stuff, she had been starved of oxygen and that she was likely to be brain damaged or most likely brain dead as a result of the long labour. She had also flooded her lungs with meconium and developed an infection. It was touch and go. She would need to be transferred to Great Ormond Street Hospital to undergo a brain cooling process to reduce the damage to her brain. I was told that I needed to prepare for the worst.
I remember stepping back into the room and breaking the news to MJ and that I was preparing to go with Jessica to GOSH when we got the go ahead. After a few hours when MJ had been patched up and we had had a consultation from the team looking after Jessica we got to visit her in intensive care, wired up with specialists around her. She was gravely ill and deteriorating fast. We were told that she was not absorbing enough oxygen from the life support machine to feed her body and brain and that the infection had taken ahold. We were told that she was too unwell to travel to GOSH and that if she did make it that she would be brain dead and need constant care for the rest of her restricted life. This was devastating for both of us. We had to make a decision to turn the life support machine and end her suffering or risk an uncertain future that would inevitably be suffering for Jessica.
We prepared for the worst and invited our parents in to join us to meet and say goodbye to baby Jessica. My father in law Barry was also in hospital being treated for cancer. I went up to the ward to share the bad news and he was wheeled down to join us by a supportive midwife who had spent most of her shift supporting MJ. This was the moment to say goodbye. My parents arrived with my Mother in Law Jackie to join us in the awkward moment. At 8 hours old we held her in our arms. Our innocent daughter, beautiful and sweet, eyes closed, flopped and relaxed. I remember holding her as she gripped my fingers before passing away silently, peacefully in our arms. It was a sad and tragic moment never to be forgotten. I stepped outside to give my Dad the opportunity to sit with Jessica while I played with Rebecca in the corridor who was unaware that her little sister had just passed away in the room next door.
MJ never held Jessica, she says she regrets rejecting the only opportunity that we had and that is something that sits on her mind. However, some part of me thinks that it was the right thing for me to do as it has pulled at the nerve endings of my mind ever since. Holding her makes me feel extremely sad, not able to protect her but I remember the feeling of love, sadness and life and death in one big concoction. A spiderweb of entanglement that I was caught in the middle of and had no way of unravelling.
We stayed that night at the hospital in a private room before returning home with no baby. We closed her bedroom door and broke down in tears. This was the moment that reality hit. I think we were an emotional wreck for weeks if not months. There were so many questions that needed answers and that was going to take time. How could this have happened and as I always ask myself - why us?
I remember registering her birth on the same day as her death. 8 hours old is no life for a child. To say it was God's decision that it was her time to go is not something I can accept. God can do one taking our daughter away and not offering her a life like any other child.
I wish I could have saved her, I wish I could have protected her, but maybe our future would have been different. I don't want to change what a lovely family we have now. I just want back what was taken away too. I just want to remove the suffering that Jessica faced. I can't remove this experience from our lives but have found ways to manage it.
Jessica had a huge impact on our lives and for me she influenced how I changed my career path and rebuilt our family. This was in comparison a small aspect of the ordeals that I have faced in my life but one that has hit me hard and I don't think I will ever get over.
Working in a religious school did not help and I faced my biggest challenge to listen to the opinions from staff who thought that God was now caring for our daughter. Oh how wrong were they. Opinions are not helpful. I needed someone to listen to me, to understand me and guide me in the right direction. I needed support.
I took time off work to fix my mental health or at least try to. But I discovered that work were planning to push me away. This was to be the worst year of my life, affecting me mentally and financially.
This was only the start of a year of unprecedented circumstances.
My father in law was to die of cancer, my wife's grandma was to die 2 weeks prior to my father in law. My Nan would pass away and my Grandad would be admitted to hospital and deteriorate to his death too. That on top of me quitting secondary teaching for good and putting a strain on our finances, on our house that we had spent months making liveable.
However this was the bottom of my pit that I would inevitably find a way to climb out of. Teaching was not the right career for me and my work place was a toxic environment for anyone who was suffering. Getting out was the best move I made.
You can read more about my story by reading some of the news articles that we appeared in.
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Thank you for reading my story...
As you know I am Simon and like you, am only human. We all have feelings and emotions, some of which we find difficult to manage due to situations or traumas in our lives. I have experienced so much in my life and had to find my own path to deal with them. Throughout my career I have listened to many and supported those who needed my help. My aim now is to support others who need someone to talk to, to vent, to turn to for help, to help them grow and feel they can cope with situations they face.
At Mind & Therapy we offer holistic therapy and counselling services to support clients individual needs. We always strive to support physical, emotional, psychological and holistic needs through client centred therapy sessions. Our aim is to help clients develop and improve their mindfulness, and self-acceptance, to develop their own sustainable and effective strategies to regulate their own emotional well-being, through listening and helping them find a way to change their mindset for the better. Giving them time to absorb and think as their mental health should start becoming a priority.
Mind and Therapy, Loughborough.
Call Simon on 07905657229
Email: mindandtherapy@gmail.com
Visit our website at www.mindandtherapy.co.uk
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